A Love Story

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I don’t know if this post will be read by anyone important in my life. I do know that if it is I will be making some people sad, some angry, and maybe some worried. I can assure those worried there is nothing to worry about. The other two sets I can honestly say I care; but, I think these words need to put out into the universe. Sorry; but, not sorry kind of Jennifer Lawrence style…

There are many kinds of love out there in this world: the love of friendship, of family, of a child, of a parent, of fellow man just to name a few. I have had many of these kinds rained on me and I give these freely when the other party is worthy. 

With that said I have only been in romantic love ONCE. I have only loved one man in my life. That is it.

I thought I was in love once before and struggled through a four year relationship because of a belief. It wasn’t love it was an idea of what it may be like. I ran said relationship like a business. I knew when to say what and do what to keep him coming back. I did the bare minimum to keep it running.  I held on to a conviction that this was love and yet a month after the relationship I was right back where I started emotionally.

He always told me he thought that was what I was doing and if he is reading this: Yes, that is what I was doing and I am sorry. I thought that is how one loves, with their mind and well planned actions.

During the year that followed I use my strategy on a few guys and they used theirs on me. That was fine; we were honest with each other. I was to move to New Hampshire sometime in 2012 after completing my AA by applying to college up there. I wasn’t looking for someone long term, I wasn’t looking to fill any void because there was none to fill.

Then I did fall in love. Suddenly the plans I had shifted. I didn’t bat an eye when I applied to USF instead. I did not mind giving more than I got and I did not plan a strategy. It was powerful and I never wondered if there was somewhere else I needed to be. I just was and he just was.

Then something happened. I won’t go into detail (and please those close enough to know do not post it in the comments). I will say he changed in a way that was like the person I fell for died. I can pinpoint the day: June 17, 2012. I sat and cried. He could not hear me.

I thought the old him would come back. I am no Jesus and he is no Lazarus. I read the short story “A Rose for Emily” when I was in high school for several classes. My fellow classmates use to tease me when we read it because my name is Emily Rose. The story is about a woman, Emily, who kills her husband and sleeps with his corpse until she herself dies and the town folk come to find her secret.

I like many people I thought that was gross; but, in a way isn’t that what I was doing. The comfort of having the new him there was better in my mind than without. I am not saying I was completely without my faults. Like many in my family I battle mental illness. I have for years and at times I am sure I am a hard person to live with. If you are reading, I am not angry towards you in any fashion. I just know our season is over even if my love isn’t quite yet.

I have learned something about love. I have learned there is many types and the most important is self love. I have surprised myself with the fact that I have developed this type of love and have became stronger because of it. I am no longer angry at myself and I find myself being more open. It is because of this self love I can not compromise myself or others around me.

People have come to push me to get over my romantic love by getting under other people. I have to say no to this notion. That would compromise my self love.

Then there are those who love me in a romantic fashion. I feel their pain because their love is going to be in vain. If I could I would chose to love you when you hand me support and unconditional love; but, one other lesson in love I have learned is you can not just turn it on or off. There is nothing my mind and will power can do when my feelings do not want to show up. If you are reading, I do not want to waste your or my time because all I could ever do is give you the experience of the four year relationship above and that is not something we deserve. I am going to New Hampshire alone.

I believe I will find romantic love again. I know what the signs are and when I do I will not waste a second. Until then I have my memories and myself.

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New Year

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To say my life got busier in since my last post is an understatement. For starters I was dumped by my boyfriend and had to move during mid-terms. Just when the clouds were parting then I got into a car accident. It seems when I take a step forward I take a step back. I did pass every class with a B and the car can still drive; so, life could be worse. When I got a 54% on one of my mid-terms I thought I was going to be sunk; but, I got that high B thanks to my strength and determination.

Thank goodness the therapy was free because it was worthless. Same crap I have heard for years. You have had a shockingly hard life and should let it rest in the past…blah,blah,blah. I am over my childhood and other traumas I have incurred over the years. My issues are the chemical depression that pills make worse and the taking care of people who can’t do for themselves.

I have only come to realize on my own that I can push pass the depression just by going through the motions and I really shouldn’t do for others all the time. I can do it for myself by myself. That is what I am taking into the new year.

Over Productive Day

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Today I:

Put the second level on my bee hive

Picked up my prescription

Bought new underwear

Got both sets of nails done

Got my eyebrows waxed

Almost got my eye waxed…

Did the dishes

Studied for online test

Took online test

Tasted honey

Bought honey

Used $20 at the thrift shop! (Not on underwear,  eww)

Publix Sub!

Took a nap

Wrote this!

Done? 

Sacrifice

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I worked 50 hours and went to classes this week. I wrote one blog post and on Tuesday and Thursday I only had two cat naps equaling in total four hours. I worked too hard and the fact is I had no play time this week until today. It is hard to only have one day off because most weeks I have two and spend the first day night primarily for sleeping. This week I have to jam sleep with free time.

I thought I was doing that today. I was somewhat wrong. I had plans for after 4pm and I showed up at home just after 7:30am and promptly went to sleep to get ready for those plans. Juggling relationships among school and work and sleep is never quite that simple. My plans, you see, were cancelled by the other party and I was left with a hole in my day. I do not mind being alone by any means.

Walking the world when you are too busy to smell the roses or spend time talking to anyone feels less like being alone and more like being lonely. I wonder if I am being crazy thinking I can shove everything into the 168 hours that we are given in a week. I feel caged in this apartment when I am awake enough to spend the time here. My days seem cut into segments of requirements. I must be here at this time and I must have this read by this time and I must have this much sleep to do it.

I also have to find corners of time to clean the corners of my home; which as much as I push my energy level to the max I can never get the place the way it should be. I wish others around me understood my time is the most valuable thing I can give. I do not like when plans I have placed on high priority get cancelled at the last minute. Those hours might mean nothing to you; but, they are the only hours that matter to me. I made the sacrifice sleep or study time to show I care about you. Please show you care about me.

Fun Facts Friday

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Here are some fun facts I think will entertain you:

1. I do not shave my legs above the knee because  no hair grows there.

2. I am happy to have a full day off to just hang out and do nothing. Friday=Funday

3. My Monday is Saturday and my Friday is Wednesday.

4. Hump day is Monday! Still sucks. *sigh*

5. I watch too much HGTV. Now I want a house!

6. I watch too much Food Network. Now I want food!

7. I don’t know why I am excited to watch Catching Fire. I read the book; I know what happens.

8. My Race and Crime professor says we are going into depth about Armenian Heritage and my mind is going to be blown. Who votes I am an alien race immune to the zombie outbreak?

9. If the above is true, I am totally going to use it against the TSA.

10. I am tired and all I did today that caused me to put on pants was go to the bank for 15 minutes!

That is all for now. Back to meaningless surfing.

 

Back To Reality

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After an epic weekend it is hard to get back to the swing of things. I started school this week and all of my classes seem interesting. I have three classes I have to physically attend: Race and Crime, Social Psychology, and Comparative Psychology and one online class: Domestic Violence. I have been thinking about getting a Masters in Social Work after I finish my Bachelor’s. Maybe.

I also got whacked in the head by a metal cart shelf at work. I worked the rest of the night with blood dripping from my head. Yesterday, I had a splitting headache and if it was not mandatory to go to the first day of the classes I was taking, I would have skipped. I did skip work because I needed to sleep off my migraine. I feel better today. Back to reality.