I don’t know if this post will be read by anyone important in my life. I do know that if it is I will be making some people sad, some angry, and maybe some worried. I can assure those worried there is nothing to worry about. The other two sets I can honestly say I care; but, I think these words need to put out into the universe. Sorry; but, not sorry kind of Jennifer Lawrence style…
There are many kinds of love out there in this world: the love of friendship, of family, of a child, of a parent, of fellow man just to name a few. I have had many of these kinds rained on me and I give these freely when the other party is worthy.
With that said I have only been in romantic love ONCE. I have only loved one man in my life. That is it.
I thought I was in love once before and struggled through a four year relationship because of a belief. It wasn’t love it was an idea of what it may be like. I ran said relationship like a business. I knew when to say what and do what to keep him coming back. I did the bare minimum to keep it running. I held on to a conviction that this was love and yet a month after the relationship I was right back where I started emotionally.
He always told me he thought that was what I was doing and if he is reading this: Yes, that is what I was doing and I am sorry. I thought that is how one loves, with their mind and well planned actions.
During the year that followed I use my strategy on a few guys and they used theirs on me. That was fine; we were honest with each other. I was to move to New Hampshire sometime in 2012 after completing my AA by applying to college up there. I wasn’t looking for someone long term, I wasn’t looking to fill any void because there was none to fill.
Then I did fall in love. Suddenly the plans I had shifted. I didn’t bat an eye when I applied to USF instead. I did not mind giving more than I got and I did not plan a strategy. It was powerful and I never wondered if there was somewhere else I needed to be. I just was and he just was.
Then something happened. I won’t go into detail (and please those close enough to know do not post it in the comments). I will say he changed in a way that was like the person I fell for died. I can pinpoint the day: June 17, 2012. I sat and cried. He could not hear me.
I thought the old him would come back. I am no Jesus and he is no Lazarus. I read the short story “A Rose for Emily” when I was in high school for several classes. My fellow classmates use to tease me when we read it because my name is Emily Rose. The story is about a woman, Emily, who kills her husband and sleeps with his corpse until she herself dies and the town folk come to find her secret.
I like many people I thought that was gross; but, in a way isn’t that what I was doing. The comfort of having the new him there was better in my mind than without. I am not saying I was completely without my faults. Like many in my family I battle mental illness. I have for years and at times I am sure I am a hard person to live with. If you are reading, I am not angry towards you in any fashion. I just know our season is over even if my love isn’t quite yet.
I have learned something about love. I have learned there is many types and the most important is self love. I have surprised myself with the fact that I have developed this type of love and have became stronger because of it. I am no longer angry at myself and I find myself being more open. It is because of this self love I can not compromise myself or others around me.
People have come to push me to get over my romantic love by getting under other people. I have to say no to this notion. That would compromise my self love.
Then there are those who love me in a romantic fashion. I feel their pain because their love is going to be in vain. If I could I would chose to love you when you hand me support and unconditional love; but, one other lesson in love I have learned is you can not just turn it on or off. There is nothing my mind and will power can do when my feelings do not want to show up. If you are reading, I do not want to waste your or my time because all I could ever do is give you the experience of the four year relationship above and that is not something we deserve. I am going to New Hampshire alone.
I believe I will find romantic love again. I know what the signs are and when I do I will not waste a second. Until then I have my memories and myself.